i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
