wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
