He felt like a one man threesome
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
