after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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