im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Randomize
