did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I am midnight drunk by noon
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
