My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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