You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
