I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
either way he was missing a nipple.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
