brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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