someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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