You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
