Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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