Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
