I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
i believe in u and ur pee
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
