I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
