It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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