remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
