I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
