two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
