I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
