Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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