I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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