i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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