Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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