I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
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I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
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I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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