I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
