If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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