I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
3 2 1 whiskey
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
