Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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