There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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