if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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