Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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