FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize