Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
