he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
