im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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