Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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