Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
