I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I fill condoms, not promises.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
