Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
