If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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