I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
