you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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