Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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