Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you traded sex for a burrito?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
