she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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