Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
