I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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