I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Duck Duck Cougar?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
