wanna go halves on a baby?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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