Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Rumble strips road head = magical
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
