Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
