I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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