I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
