if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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